Every summer I’m thrilled by weekly releases of marquee films that guarantee a couple hours of fun and every summer I’m confused by the string of disapproving critics that believe that big, dumb blockbusters signal the end of capital-C Cinema and good taste.

No offense to those who have far more sophisticated tastes than I, but for me, there’s something sacred about quality entertainment that manages to appeal to a wide audience. Movies are one of the few communal experiences that we have as a global population and there’s something wonderful about a movie that manages to appeal to millions of people.

However, after experiencing what has to be the worst movie I have seen in years I want to apologize to those critics. I have been to your side of the mountain. I have felt the overwhelming combination of frustration and disappointment that has now turned into despondent incredulity; how did a movie this bad ever manage to be made?

I still don’t agree with your negative opinions of movies that I did enjoy and even loved. I am saying that I have now felt what you were trying to convey in your critiques, a plea to the public to NOT go see a movie that is just another cynical cash-grab that thinks explosions and destruction are a safe investment for a studio.

“Independence Day: Resurgence” is so boring that the only thing that holds your attention is how messy, poorly constructed and misguided it is. If it managed to be even minimally entertaining, I would probably say that it was so bad that it’s good but no, it’s just monumentally bad.

The performances are so terrible that the inevitable porn parody is sure to have better acting. I almost believe that Roland Emmerich wanted to kill this franchise dead in its tracks and so told his cast, “Give me late 90s Syfy Original Movie.” That or he directed his editor to keep the worst of the dialogue in (so basically every line written) and to find the worst readings of each line and edit them together so the scenes seem to end so abruptly because they’re mortified to even exist.

The reality of an Independence Day sequel this bad is even more hard to believe since the original movie serves as a blueprint of the sort of movie that should’ve been made. Had this film just stuck with the standard sequel formula of “More Of The Same But This Time Bigger” then it would’ve been exponentially better. (I honestly have never thought that about a movie before.) Instead, we’re given a crash course on how to take everything that was successful about the original film and do the opposite:

• Scary alien invasion of thirty or so large spaceships that systematically destroy all the major cities in the world? No, let’s just have one huge ship the size of the Eastern seaboard park its fat ass down on half of the country for the entire movie so that there’s no constant mobile threat to our characters.

• Characters that are more than just their function/archetype in the movie? Nope. The President is The President and only The President. Same goes for The Cocky Hero, The (Supposed) Comedic Relief, The Hot Chick, Disapproving Military Guy, Will Smith’s Son, Bill Pullman’s Daughter and Brent Spiner Back From The Dead. I honestly couldn’t tell you their names and the only two characters whose names I do know are David Levinson and President Thomas Whitmore because the original made damn sure that I learned their names and cared about them.

• Extremely charismatic lead stars that we can’t help but love? Nah, just get the youngest Hemsworth who seems like a nice enough young man we wouldn’t mind our son or daughter dating and Jeff Goldblum who is just playing himself at this point.

• An exciting tale of the underdog humans taking on bigger, badder aliens who have way more advanced technology? At multiple points of the film, you literally cannot tell which ships/weapons belong to the humans and which belong to the aliens. The dramatic tension of the David vs Goliath tale told in the first film is reduced to a story of two sides having the exact same kinds of weapons so it’s just a matter of time before the humans win. There’s also a few gags of pulling some Cold War-era museum pieces out of storage because haha, old technology is funny.

Normally when a movie ends up disappointing me, I usually end up feeling very sympathetic for it since most films want to succeed but then for one reason or another it just doesn’t. I feel no sympathy for this film, in fact, I feel extremely hostile towards this movie because it’s everything that those disapproving critics think every summer blockbuster is.

Congratulations “Independence Day: Resurgence”, you’ve managed to embarrass the very genre your predecessor established. Impressive.

Check out my video review below to see me rage out a bit more. Thanks!